If not for all the rage in the song, right now, Dresden Doll's "Jeep Song" would be perfectly indicative of my mood. The maddening obsession and sadness and hope of missing him. I do. I miss him so, so much and it feels so stupid because we never even had anything. Loving a phantom that never loved back. But I've done so much crying recently and felt so positively wretched and weak- I just want him to come over, plop into a chair next to me and sling his stupid leather jacket over my shoulders and ask, "What's wrong, tiny?"  I wouldn't even say anything, just shake my head and smile but he'd reach over and tousle my hair and just say, "It'll be ok. Ah, you're a funny one, Slim-Jims. Real cute." I hated the nicknames he gave me, but now I'd give anything to hear him call me by them again. 
At least another six months until I see him again. Six more months. I hate missing him. I hate hoping he's missing me.  

I despise myself.

Does anyone know what number of calories you'd have to be consuming on average per day to end up with amenorrhea? I ask because I have a tough time counting  calories, but I haven't had my period in a few months. I read somewhere it was 600 but from my vague estimation, I've been eating at least 800 (yurk) a day, if  not more. I'm really confused and trying to get some information. Thanks in advance you guys.
  Ladies and gents, hope you're all doing well, I love you and hope things are going better for you than they are for me.

Last night, when I came into my room, my mom was sitting on my bed and really, really pissed at me. She yells at me for waking her up at 3 in the morning, then proceeds to bitch at me and accuse me and interrogate me about everything until 4 in the morning. It was horrible. The whole time I just wanted to die. It was all about my eating habits and secrecy and 'my problems' and how my family really was there for me and they really do love me and they understand I have problems that are beyond my control, but could I please control them and stop inconveniencing everyone, especially her because I was really making life difficult.

I want out of my fucking house. I really thought seriously about taking off for a while, or about asking someone I know if I can stay with them for a while, but I don't know anybody that'd be ok with that. And what drives me crazy is that I just want, now that it's summer, to lose weight, to get control of everything. But no matter how much I exercise, I can't seem to break the plateau I'm at. Yesterday, I had a salad, and burned over 2000 calories and the scale didn't budge! So today, I'm fasting, since I'll finally be able to get away with it, biking, exercising, and and going ice skating with my friend. I'm crossing my fingers- hoping to lose at least two pounds, which is normal for when I fast, maybe three as I'll be burning so many calories. 
 I could go on and on about my mom and how, within one hour of waking me up- (Oh and my sleep schedule is entirely my own business at this point. She just doesn't know how to control me. Except to take control of my sleep schedule. I hate her sometimes) she's driven me crazy and is really pushing my buttons. I'm feeling damn near...well, I'm feeling really bad and very driven to do things some might consider stupid right now. But she's just gone out for a few hours so I have some time alone. I'm just so upset. Tomorrow I have a family party and they're all going to see how disgusting and fat I am. It doesn't matter what the fucking label says- I look fat, I look fucking obese, I am fucking fat and disgusting. I don't want them to see me.
I hate life. I'm so sick of it.

Pure Crap: Gross gross gross. My mom's been making me put some weight on- my parents have really been on back. Yesterday my dad yelled at me for cutting up my food "all weird" and not eating everything; my sister's been nagging me about how much I eat; and I just found out my doctor wants me to have another weigh-in on the day when I get my depression medication. I'm freaking out- I don't want to be put on anything that makes me gain weight. She wants me to keep a food journal. I've had enough. Fine. If they're going to put me through all this "We think you have and ED only we'll pretend we don't" then I'm not going to bother gaining weight to make them happy. I'm pissed and I'm deeply unhappy with myself. I don't care. I want control and purity back. They're not going to run my life anymore. If I don't fit into my goddamn dress in time for the wedding, I don't know what I'll do. I can't take this shit anymore.

Decent Joy: I'm going back to fasting- today I've lost four pounds which is...I don't know how THAT's possible but I'm not going to argue. My parents just bought rolls (a major binge food) but I'm doing so well, I'm not going to break my fast. I'm out from school in 2 more days.  We'll see how things go.