belle_epoque79

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:10:13 GMT

I'm having such a craving for yogurt, but I can't. Not with the official weigh-in this weekend. Ugh. I'm supposed to be gaining my doctor says, but I can't. I'll get in trouble, but I can't stand to hear the number being high anymore. I can't do this.

wonder if it makes you want to cry...

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 14:45:21 GMT

If not for all the rage in the song, right now, Dresden Doll's "Jeep Song" would be perfectly indicative of my mood. The maddening obsession and sadness and hope of missing him. I do. I miss him so, so much and it feels so stupid because we never even had anything. Loving a phantom that never loved back. But I've done so much crying recently and felt so positively wretched and weak- I just want him to come over, plop into a chair next to me and sling his stupid leather jacket over my shoulders and ask, "What's wrong, tiny?" I wouldn't even say anything, just shake my head and smile but he'd reach over and tousle my hair and just say, "It'll be ok. Ah, you're a funny one, Slim-Jims. Real cute." I hated the nicknames he gave me, but now I'd give anything to hear him call me by them again.
At least another six months until I see him again. Six more months. I hate missing him. I hate hoping he's missing me.

Lonely and Loathing

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 23:14:49 GMT

How did I end up like this? A teenager, almost an adult, and I still have imaginary friends, imaginary places in my head because I can't connect to anyone. I hate being fat and I hate being lonely all the time and I hate being hideous and dumb and being this stupid little girl that everyone says is a grown-up. I wish I were, I wish I weren't. I don't know what I wish. Maybe I just wish I wasn't, period.

Somehow, the Cracks Seem Not to Show...

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 05:33:57 GMT

I feel idiotic. It's surreal to be here, to be walking around th halls of my school after I failed at trying to do it. Half my bottle of anti-depressants, and nothing even happened. I just got a little sick. Even though no one knows, I'm humiliated. And it's so fucking weird to be in school, to be going o rehearsals, to work, to keep smiling to people and keeping up this act when last week I thought I'd be gone by now. And no one suspects. My therapist, my counselor, my doctor, my parents, my sister, my friends- nobody suspects. Everyone thinks I'm just a little sad. No one knows I've been staring at an unfulfilled suicide note for the last week and wondering why the fuck I'm still here. I'm so tired of doing this, playing at healthy, playing at normal. Who the fuck am I kidding? I don't know what fucking normal is. But tomorrow I'll get up and keep pretending for everyone else. I wish it were over. I wish I were thin and pretty and succesful and smart, and that I could wash all the stains out that are there. I want to be pure, so pure and clean that light would shine through. But I'm not. I'm a filthy, dirty, fat, ugly, stupid selfish bitch vainly grasping at things I'll never be.
I want to sleep for the next three days, btu I need to do my homework. And I have a headache and I feel like throwing up, even though I haven't eaten all day.
Oh, and insult to injury- my model cousin has started modeling for Dolce and Gabbana. Someone upstairs is just slapping me in the face now. "Isn't that wonderful? Isn't she lucky?!"
Misery loves company, indeed.

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 00:54:30 GMT

I despise myself.

Amenorrhea and Calories?

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 05:23:14 GMT

Does anyone know what number of calories you'd have to be consuming on average per day to end up with amenorrhea? I ask because I have a tough time counting calories, but I haven't had my period in a few months. I read somewhere it was 600 but from my vague estimation, I've been eating at least 800 (yurk) a day, if not more. I'm really confused and trying to get some information. Thanks in advance you guys.
Ladies and gents, hope you're all doing well, I love you and hope things are going better for you than they are for me.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 14:29:18 GMT

Last night, when I came into my room, my mom was sitting on my bed and really, really pissed at me. She yells at me for waking her up at 3 in the morning, then proceeds to bitch at me and accuse me and interrogate me about everything until 4 in the morning. It was horrible. The whole time I just wanted to die. It was all about my eating habits and secrecy and 'my problems' and how my family really was there for me and they really do love me and they understand I have problems that are beyond my control, but could I please control them and stop inconveniencing everyone, especially her because I was really making life difficult.

I want out of my fucking house. I really thought seriously about taking off for a while, or about asking someone I know if I can stay with them for a while, but I don't know anybody that'd be ok with that. And what drives me crazy is that I just want, now that it's summer, to lose weight, to get control of everything. But no matter how much I exercise, I can't seem to break the plateau I'm at. Yesterday, I had a salad, and burned over 2000 calories and the scale didn't budge! So today, I'm fasting, since I'll finally be able to get away with it, biking, exercising, and and going ice skating with my friend. I'm crossing my fingers- hoping to lose at least two pounds, which is normal for when I fast, maybe three as I'll be burning so many calories.
I could go on and on about my mom and how, within one hour of waking me up- (Oh and my sleep schedule is entirely my own business at this point. She just doesn't know how to control me. Except to take control of my sleep schedule. I hate her sometimes) she's driven me crazy and is really pushing my buttons. I'm feeling damn near...well, I'm feeling really bad and very driven to do things some might consider stupid right now. But she's just gone out for a few hours so I have some time alone. I'm just so upset. Tomorrow I have a family party and they're all going to see how disgusting and fat I am. It doesn't matter what the fucking label says- I look fat, I look fucking obese, I am fucking fat and disgusting. I don't want them to see me.
I hate life. I'm so sick of it.

Mixed Feelings

Wed, 30 May 2007 23:39:05 GMT

Pure Crap: Gross gross gross. My mom's been making me put some weight on- my parents have really been on back. Yesterday my dad yelled at me for cutting up my food "all weird" and not eating everything; my sister's been nagging me about how much I eat; and I just found out my doctor wants me to have another weigh-in on the day when I get my depression medication. I'm freaking out- I don't want to be put on anything that makes me gain weight. She wants me to keep a food journal. I've had enough. Fine. If they're going to put me through all this "We think you have and ED only we'll pretend we don't" then I'm not going to bother gaining weight to make them happy. I'm pissed and I'm deeply unhappy with myself. I don't care. I want control and purity back. They're not going to run my life anymore. If I don't fit into my goddamn dress in time for the wedding, I don't know what I'll do. I can't take this shit anymore.

Decent Joy: I'm going back to fasting- today I've lost four pounds which is...I don't know how THAT's possible but I'm not going to argue. My parents just bought rolls (a major binge food) but I'm doing so well, I'm not going to break my fast. I'm out from school in 2 more days. We'll see how things go.

Wed, 23 May 2007 18:12:16 GMT

105/101 by Sunday
100/96 by June 1st

Sun, 13 May 2007 20:39:49 GMT

Just got back from the con- christ, I cannot believe how disconnected I'm getting to be. And the whole time I was there, all I could think about was what people thought of me, how fat I must look, how much I weighed (no scale for three days), where I could secretly exercise...I'm home now and I realise, I didn't even care about the con, I hardly even involve myself. I can't believe how disconnected I'm getting from everything. I made it down to about 102, which was four pounds lower than my goal for today, though, so yay! Until...
Plegh. My parents picked me up really early from the hotel, and took me out for lunch. I'll have to start my fast all over again tomorrow. Well, hopefully, I can make the high nineties, at least, by Friday. Ugh. I really hate eating. Food itself, my body still says it enjoys, but my mind just wants it out and away from me. I have to think of a way to get out of dinner tonight.

Wed, 09 May 2007 00:59:41 GMT

More costumes I didn't finish. My to-do list just keeps getting longer. Pfft.

Mon, 07 May 2007 00:59:37 GMT

I want to throw up. That's ALL I want to do right now. Fucking throw up until I'm empty. Eating is becoming less and less of a temptation, and more and more of a chore when I have to. I want to fucking throw up.
I was reading 'Thin' the other day and two quotes stuck with me:
'I tried so hard to find happiness in other accomplishments. But nothing measured up to this one...I just want to be thin. If it takes dying to get there, so be it." -Alisa
'I used to have a personality.' -Shelly
This is the way I feel right now. So fucking unhappy. The only time I'm happy is when I feel empty and when the numbers on the scale and measuring tape are dropping, and I can see my bones. When I manage to get my BMI under 18.5, when I don't have my period. I'll do it again. I'll keep it there.
I get good grades, but they're never good enough. I behave myself, but not well enough. I work on every show on my school, but it never seems to be enough for anyone. I'm always falling short of someone's quota- always weighed, measured, and found wanting. This is the only thing that brings me joy, and that I can succeed at.
My sister comes home on Thursday. I'm so upset, because I think I don't want to her too. I'm not counting down the days with joy, but with dread. Things are worse than ever, since she's become suspicious over the last year. It's always some joke about me being too fat, then a little while later, she'll bitch at me about how I'm not eating enough. She laughs at me cutting up my food and sneers at me when I say I'm not hungry, slaps me when I say something critical, and changes her mind- one minute, I'm chubby, the next I'm a stick, the next, I'm just average. I don't want to see her, running around in miniskirts and a tank with her bones sticking out. It's not fucking fair- facts tell me that I'm smaller- my BMI, my weight, my clothing sizes- but she's still the smaller one. I feel so fucking shallow. But this is all that matters. I hardly care about anything anymore. I just want to be thin. When I'm thin, everything will come together. I hope. Maybe I don't even care if it does, as long as I'm thin.
I used to love my sister. I still do, but I don't want to be by her anymore. I don't know if that's my ED, or us. Things changed. She went away and now it's more comfortable for us to be apart. Now she comes home and critiques me, and I'm too fat, too thin, too rude, too meek, too noisy, too withdrawn. Everything is out of my hands already; why does she have to reach in and make it worse? Another set of standards to be measured by; another person to fail. I can't please everyone, I don't know how, so who do I try to please?

This is my fault. I wish I didn't disappoint everyone. I wish I could make someone happy.
I wish I was thin.

Current Stats:
Height: 5'3"
CW: 107
Measurements: 34(C)-23.5-35.5
Pant/Dress Size: 5; Sm/M
GW(next): 106
GW(in time for H.'s wedding): 90
GW (ultimate): 70

Sat, 05 May 2007 18:57:14 GMT

Sometimes I have to wonder if I'm going fucking insane. Yesterday, I slept in again. I know why I can't bring myself to go to sleep any earlier. I feel like I need to do more, and at the same time, I'm trying to prevent the morning from coming because I just don't want to go to school. I'm utterly miserable there. It just drains me. I hate my classes, I feel stupid, I'm tired of smiling and pretending everything's ok, I'm tired of worrying that everyone is talking about me what I'm going to eat or not eat, how many calories I'm burning, when I'll make my next weight goal, when I can fit in a fast, how I look, how I sound, every little fucking thing is eating at my brain and fucking exhausting me. I wish I could just take for a break and have some time to myself. Stay at home and clean house, write, sew a little, sleep. Just let my brain get back together because I'm feeling more..you know...than ever. I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I just want it to end. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything stupid, but...I wish every morning that I hadn't woken up.

HOLY. SHIT.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 21:36:27 GMT

Wow- so I was taking my measurements to determine what size I was for ordering a dress to wear to my friend's wedding...
34-23-35.
By every one of the dress sites I'm on right now (albeit, they're pin-up style dresses, so curvier figures are their thing...), that's smaller than their smallest sizes.

When did THAT happen?
Everyone tells me that's fantastic (though actually, my bust has gotten smaller. I think I'm a little sad. Except now I have lost a lot of yucky underarm fat...there's still a ton I need to lose), and that I look really good, but I just don't see it. All I see are imperfections. Those measurements surpass my once-ideal....they still kind of are my ideal...but not on me, maybe? I'm just not small enough. This is something I'm excited about, or something I should've been excited about, but all I'm doing right now is crying, because again, it's not enough. I'm so miserable right now. This was supposed to be a happy entry, but I don't feel happy at all anymore. Sorry, anyone who's reading.

Day One of Fast

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:02:13 GMT

Day One of my fast- nothing but water and I'm down three pounds already from this morning! Already, for the first time in days, I feel happy. I dumped more ice cream down the drain without a bite and didn't even have gum. Just water. My system's already feeling cleaner.
I applied for a full-time job this summer at Old Navy by my house. I'm not too crazy abou the store itself, but the specific store is nice and clean and bright and they do sell some nice basics I wouldn't mind getting on discount. Plus, if I get the job, I'll finally not have to eat dinner with my parents anymore- that means I can fast and restrict as much as I want; and since it's close, I can walk or ride my bike there to squeeze more exercise into my day. God, I hope I get this job since nothing else so perfect is probably going to open up this close to me.

Still, as happy and hopeful as I feel, I still look down at myself and see nothing but fat. Happiness, yes, but it's tinged with a something melancholy. I'm only happy when I'm hungry now, and even then, not completely so because I still see a disgusting girl with no control and so much to hate. Funny how a disease wrapped around NOT eating devours you and keeps wanting more and more.

General Pissing and Bitching

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:42:33 GMT

5'3" and I'm stuck at fucking 113 because my mom made me eat and the doctor wants to put me in counseling and I refuse to go. If I can keep them off my back, I can go back to fasting and restricting as soon as school and theatre starts again. I <i>hate</i> eating and I hate being fat.
And I can't WAIT for college. Then I can do whatever the fuck I want and have full control over my own life.
And fuck, Fuck, FUCK! Now it looks like I have either hyper or hypo-thyroidism or some such fucking thing. What the hell is that going to do to all this? Put me on medication? Make me fatter than I already am? Put doctors on my back and never get them away? Just leave me alone and let me be on my own. I really hate my mother right now. And my doctor. I'm fine. Get off my back and go the fuck away.

Not All Good, But Better...

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 22:02:49 GMT

Down from what I weighed yesterday! A pound or two. Not a lot, but enough. I hope I can make it by Friday for dress shopping. Monday I can start fasting again- wonderful. Then, it's my solemn promise that for the rest of April and May, I'll eat only when I must. Because my parents make me. And when I do, I'll eat slowly and I'll pick with my fork. I hate eating in public. If I can stop eating in private, I think I'll be ok.
Today I flushed my ice cream down the toilet without a bite!

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 01:45:56 GMT

I'm so afraid. What will I do now?

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:56:21 GMT

One of these days, my brain will surely catch up to my scampering body- even now, bogged down with homework and the show and all my personal issues, I'm still looking ahead to things I want to do:
-Now that it's getting warmer, start running or doing something outside to burn more calories. More walking and bike riding on errands, far and near. Swingsets across the street will be up so I can play!
-Looking for a job- I do need one
-All those papers and projects that are due!
-Sewing ACEN things
-Sewing Pirates costume
-Sewing more day-to-day clothing (lolita, goth, punk, and vintage!)
-Reading more
-A sleepover with my friends
-Marie Antoinette spring party- tea in the garden, dressing up, sparkling juice and elaborate food. Maybe a walk and definitely, watching the film.
-Sewing Ren Faire things
-Looking into bellydancing, spinning, or horseback riding lessons.
-ACT prep and study
-The Dance show
-Baking days in vintage dress
-A pin-up photoshoot!
-A dress for my friend's wedding

Beyond which, there are a million other things to do. I'm thinking about having a Japanese party too, with lovely decorations, tea, sushi, Japanese films, and perhaps, a trip to Mitsuwa, or one of the kitschy Japanese boutiques/outlets scattered throughout the area.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:53:16 GMT

I like to simply write sometimes with the knowledge that it's possible no one will ever read things I write, but still to put them out there. Just to think, to challenge myself to write something and not proofread or censor what I'm saying because people I know will be reading it.
Today, I'm thinking about wandering. We had such a warm day, so beautiful and of course, I was stuck inside, but it was still gorgeous, just to open the windows and feel the breeze. It's one of the simple pleasures of life I still enjoy. But at the same time, it makes me restless. It makes me wish I were anywhere but right there, right then. I want to throw my things into battered or brocade suitcases, pile into a an old car with my sisters and take off down historic Route 66; I want to be in the thirties or forties, boarding the glamorous trains that don't exist anymore and travel across the country in style; I want to be in Europe, exploring the nooks and crannies of every modern and ancient city, or pressing into the streets of Tokyo and seeing the world. I just want me feet to go and never to stop. I want to exist in ways I haven't before because I always feel like I just don't belong. Maybe I do somewhere else.
And maybe wandering would let me abandon my problems. No more heartbreak, no more stress, no more expectations and failures, no more family and friends. Just an open, endless path before me branching off in a thousand journeys, each one different and new. But no matter where I wander, I can never get away from myself. Here or there, one thing never changes: I am me, and the self-loathing stays.